Oh boy....where has the last year gone? Really!? It feels like I was just in the hospital getting ready to have my last little baby boy.......and now he's one! And he has a tooth, and he rolls everywhere, and he laughs, and he plays, and he loves baby food (of course not the 'real' stuff, not with his gag reflexes!!) He is a mini person. I am fascinated by him everyday. I always wonder what he's thinking about and how he feels when he watches us (me, Jeff, Owen, Julian, and Cleo). I wonder what he would say if he could talk?? These are the things I think about.
But I also have some very negative thoughts sometimes. Perhaps this isn't the appropriate place to spill my crazy thoughts and feelings, but I have no filter and I don't hide who I am. I'm not even typing this so everyone will read it......more to get these feelings out of me. To see if I'm crazy......am I the only one who thinks crazy things sometimes?? Most of you know that I've been on Prozac for over 5 years now. It's been a lifesaver for me.....literally! But, after having 4 kids and my body changing and my hormones going haywire and my body just building up a tolerance.......it just doesn't work the same as it used to. Now, Prozac makes me tired and sluggish. I don't want to be 'that' mom. I want to have energy and play with my kids and go on exciting adventures. I want that. So, a few months back I decided I wanted to start taking Wellbutrin. I was smoking a lot at the time (about a 1/2 pack a day). It was a terrible habit for me and I had heard that Wellbutrin helps with that. So, I called my doctor and pretty much prescribed myself my own meds.........I started taking it and I had so much energy! I quit smoking, literally, the next day! Crazy! I lost a couple 'baby pounds' from my pregnancy and I felt good. But then I noticed that I always felt edgy and angry. So, I thought I'd quit taking the Wellbutrin. I quit and went back to Prozac......and I was back to my sluggish self again. And I was still angry and having panic attacks.......so, I just decided to start taking Wellbutrin again. It's been almost a week now and I am feeling A LOT of side effects......and it's freaking me out......I can't stop clenching my jaw, I'm super impatient, I get nasty headaches, and I can't stop tapping my foot when I'm sitting down. (I know.....you're thinking....."and what are the benefits to this medicine again??") Well, it does give me lots of energy.....I've been exercising every morning. I don't eat because I'm bored, so I'm not packing on the pounds. But I like the feeling of being energized. At home, I really lack energy to do a lot of things......and I don't know how to change it. So, I thought if I could take a pill that would do it for me, then why not? Well, today I experienced something so incredibly horrifying that I feel lost now. Jeff, Julian, Cleo, Westin, and I went to Target this afternoon to get some stuff. (Owen was at school). We were driving home (Jeff was driving and I was the passenger) and I saw a van get kinda close to our van.......then I started thinking, "What if we get in a car accident on the way home and Owen shows up at the front door and he's locked out and scared and doesn't know what to do? What if we all die on the way home and Owen is left all alone?" Okay, you might think this an odd thought to think in the car.......for me, though, this is a daily occurance. And once I started thinking about Owen arriving at home with no one to greet him, I started losing my breath. I tried to breathe deeply and slowly, but everything started to look fuzzy and I felt like I was going to pass out. I started uncontrollably crying and then my arms went numb. By this time, we had just pulled into the garage. I couldn't move my hands....they felt frozen......I was bawling.....I couldn't stop.....I felt like I wasn't even in my body. There was a point when I asked myself in my head, "Is this seriously happening right now? You've got to be kidding me.....you are insane!" Jeff had to help me out of the van and I couldn't move my arms.....there was a crazy tingling feeling running up and down my arms.....it felt like electricity and I could NOT move my fingers. I laid on the couch for a while and finally calmed down. My breathing returned to normal and I stopped crying.......and, as quickly as it came, it was all gone. The numbness was gone. I felt tired, but I felt like me again. And now I'm starting to think I am crazy! I am taking medications that are suppose to STOP panic attacks! What the heck?!
For those of you who have never experienced a panic attack, well, you're lucky. It's truly a terrifying experience. I felt like I was dying. Really. At one point I was ready to tell Jeff to call 911. That's how scared I was........ It's really an indescribable feeling (even though I just tried to describe it.....) I've had many panic attacks, but nothing like this. I always get them when I'm driving. I'm not afraid to drive.....that's the thing. Weird, I know. But I am worried that if these things keep happening, I WILL be terrified to drive. I know I should probably be on some sort of medication, and perhaps this is just a coincidence........Maybe I changed my meds too quickly. I don't know. I just really feel scared and worried and sad.......and Jeff leaves soon. I have to be strong for my kids. I have to do everything for 14 weeks. I will be mom AND dad. I know I can do it, but it terrifies me just the same. Perhaps this will pass and everything will be fine tomorrow. Who knows? I just had to get this stuff out of me so I don't explode! For those of you who actually read this whole thing.......thank you and I'm sorry. How horribly depressing am I??? Ugh! I promise, my next blog will be more positive. So, I will stop for tonight and go relax for a bit.
Rachelle
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